Of Not Giving Up

Of Not Giving Up

I have had this kind of day.

That morning, I started my day with the spirit of having a bold heart. I waited in the clinic for the doctor to come for about 40 minutes, while nurses prepared the equipments. That day, we had IT system problem again. We can’t access the data system like the previous 2 days. So, we had to make use of what other systems we had. Therefore, inevitable delay we had.

Anyway, I don’t want to go through the details, but that morning, I was sent away from joining that clinic. I could feel my face was so flushed and I could feel that my tears will fall at any moment. So, I went away with a ‘thank you’ which probably stuck halfway between my vocal cord and the air. Went to the toilet, cupped my face and burst into tears in there. I blame my hormones. Lol. After some time of trying to recollect myself and my thoughts with the promise I have made, I went into the other clinic, managed to see 2 patients undergoing the tests, making sure I have smiles on my face throughout although I am not sure about how my eyes were looking. I told myself, ‘Yeah, Amirah, the day will only get better’. Just because your morning was bad in your perception, does not mean you can make someone else’s day becoming bad too. Be thankful.

That noon, I had the choice to go home or to stay. I know I will not feel any better going home, so I braved through and find things to do. Alhamdulillah, He helped paving the way through as long as I don’t give up and of course He was the One giving me the strength to keep standing. I went to this Unit and met a very nice doctor. You know what, being nice towards someone can really change someone’s day and even one’s life course. I thought I was not gonna love this specialty, but maybe I have to reconsider.

So, that afternoon, I had lunch at 3pm. I don’t mind as long as I have things to do because it is really hard to get some opportunities and I have to appreciate every little opportunity and make use of them all. I was so happy seeing patients, helping out, although it was just basic skills and writing up forms and helping out writing dictated notes. Even happier I could do bim. and spec. ex on a few. I finished that day at 9pm with many lessons, both medical and life generally.

Had I given up, my day, even my week may have taken another course. I will always tell myself, when one door closes, or two, or three, there must be a door for me to open or might have been opened awaiting for me to enter, explore and learn.

2018 - my thankful note

Bila hati berbicara

Bila hati berbicara,

Kadang tiada kata terucap,

Hanya perilaku menafsirkannya,

Bila hati disirami iman, damai terasa,

Bila hati dipalit dosa, keluh kesah, jiwa pula meronta.

Soul-searching

Marrakech, Winter 2015

Souls are of three types.
1) Commanding Soul
Nafsul Amarah. It will command you to do evil things, leading you to the hell. But, it is also receptive to changes. Human soul is like a child being breastfed by its mother, addicted to it. When they are being weaned, it shouts keeping the household and neighbourhood awake. After time, in a few months, it changes and would not want to be breastfed again.

How do we mold this commanding soul? It will first scream, then with time it will lose its grip if you surround yourself with good environment, make good deeds your routine.


2) The blaming soul
 Nafsul Lawwamah; blaming itself. A living soul will feel regretful and happy at times. When he sins, he will regret and blame himself and when he does good things, he is happy.

3) The Peaceful Soul
Nafsul Mutmainnah of serenity, contentment and inner warmth. They will hear the Angel of Death at his deathbed saying, " Oh you peaceful soul, return back to Allah, pleased with yourself and Allah is pleased with you...."

Taubat dan Padang Pasir

Morocco, Winter 2015

Teringat pengalaman bermalam di padang pasir.

Cuba kita bayangkan kita sendirian di padang pasir dengan unta yang membawa makanan-makanan dan barangan-barangan lain. Tiba-tiba, kita sesat dan unta tersebut hilang. Tak keruan kita dibuatnya.

Lalu, kita kepenatan dan tertidur. Setelah bangun, unta kita itu tadi berada di depan kita. Betapa gembiranya hati kita.

Bayangkan perasaan itu. 

Sesungguhnya Allah swt lebih gembira apabila hamba-Nya bertaubat setelah melakukan dosa.

Wallahu a'lam.

p/s: Alhamdulillah, tadi berjaya jogging. Doakan saya istiqamah. cewah. Target hari ini, jawab soalan neuro dan buka Neuroanatomy Crossman.

Social Interaction

Picture of a bird perching on a pole at the rooftop of Golden Horn Hotel, Istanbul in Spring 2016. Taken after breakfast.

Sometimes, we do not know what makes us happy. Interaction may be challenging to one and may not be to another. One may both like and do not like socialising. Of course, if personally invited, one should make all the effort to be present because there is a right of others for us to fulfil the invitation.  We also have to consider others’ point of view and not wrapped up in our own dislikes and discomfort. However, sometimes, perhaps when one know one does not have the ability and energy to make a convo into a meaningful one, one tend to skip the social gatherings. I don’t know if this makes oneself rude and selfish.

One may not enjoy socialising when it stops becoming meaningful and significant; conversing on superficial matters that will not add value. One may then hate it and disappointed with oneself when one fails to shift the conversation to be a meaningful one. Perhaps, one should be more prepared and more courageous. Or perhaps, one may have been wrong all along, because there will always be values in anything if one seeks for it.

The more we isolate ourselves from new people, the more isolated and segregated our society may become. Those casual interactions we have in house party, dinner etc probably will be the ones to cross social and economic barriers. They expand your little world and overlapping bubbles that create a society.

Akhir kalam, Rasulullah saw ialah contoh terbaik. I pray that we all be given eloquence and courage to spread good and warming words.

Maaf zahir batin.

You Terus

Assalamualaikum. This is just a writing about my unorganised thoughts (like most of my posts, because I usually don't proofread them, simply scribbling).

You terus; or rather Uterus. I got the phrase 'You terus' from a joke by my friend. You know who you are.

Eating trash has always been my problem. What I mean by trash is unhealthy food. I don't yet find the best way to motivate me to eat healthily. Then, this thought came. However, I must say here that they are only relevant to ladies.

Well, ladies. Doesn't what you eat shape you, affect your future, at least your future health? Plus, if you aspire to have offsprings in the future, and not only that, you want them to be healthy, don't you? So, you have got to take care of your health from now on. Don't we carry our children with us now? Lol. No? The ovum (Or rather follicles) in your ovaries? Their individuality has already existed physically with you since you were a foetus. They, if you would like to think, have also been physically connected with your mum (their grandmother).

So, whenever the thought of opening the maggi package or reaching out any other trash, put your hand on your lower belly and think of 'You Terus', or if you want to go a step forward, imagine caressing a baby (foetus) with a motherly touch. Lol. What a strange thought.

I don't know how long will this work on me. Trying to manipulate my mind.

P/s : I don't know any direct effects of diet to ovarian follicles/ ovum, you can check the literature if you want. As for now, I need to sleep. Knackered, moving from one hospital to another in a day and doing some crunches and lunges.

Picture

Structure in Life

Everything in this life has been ordained an order. Look at the sky; you will see many celestial bodies. It is not allowed for the moon to meet the sun although all this while it has enjoyed the sun's light and has been reflecting it. Well, before the end of time, that will be the case.

The exact strength of gravity ordained by Allah has made the life possible. Had it been any stronger, it will retained more poisonous gases and had it been any lesser, it might not retain the right amount of oxygen. So is the consistency in the order of life.

Had the axis of the earth is just a bit different, the seasons may change and will lead to chaos.

This theme of tremendous order, harmony and miraculous arrangement is recurrent.

There is indeed no crookedness if we really ponder.

Look at the order of solah. Had we done it a second earlier, it will be invalid. Had we delayed it, we will have to answer this.

We ought to be structured.






Picture credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/light-landmark-building-architecture-135018/

By Time

This is my notes from this lecture from my local Imam in Cardiff.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bJ2tWwfTIU

People of the past or at any time, those who are successful, guess what? They were not always generous. They were stingy too; stingy of their time - a very very expensive commodity.

Allah says in the Quran, which brings the meaning of: He was the One who placed the sun as a shining lamp, and the moon as a reflector of the light and Allah made this world in phases, so that men may recognise the value of time, therefore not fall into pit of uselessness.

Youth is, but a fleeting moment of strength, shrouded by weakness; which precedes and follows it.

There is a story about Ibn al Jawzi who had written at least 30 titles, said that he would like to benefit his time, but he usually has guests and they have rights upon him, so he usually will use the time sharpening his pencils and sewing his books.

Living with Someone

Does living with someone scare you? All the sharing and tiptoeing round one another's feelings. All those arguments over hairs in plugholes and dishes left in sinks. The unmade bed. The wet towels not in place. The rolled-up sock stuffed under a cushion. The shoes left where anyone would fall over them.

Therapeutic Words

I wish I know how to always respond therapeutically,
Many times in life we will hurt and get hurt and hurt,
How do I try to stay away from those?

Unhealthy Interactions

Unhealthy. Stop before getting scarred emotionally and being unfair to myself, and everyone else. Oh gosh, I wish I can reverse time and stop doing silly things. 

I am sorry.

Fluffy ideas. Unrealistic. 

This is just a product of low self-esteem.

If I can't answer this question of ' Will it still be the same if that person gain 50 kg or lose hands?', I am not ready. Just hormonal imbalances.

Until you live and marry that person, you will never know that person. You only will give more chances for people to give better impression and image.

I can be but I can't

I can be nice but I can't be sweet,

I can be smart but I can't be genius,

I can be generous but I can't be selfless,

I can be considerate but I can't be too patient.

I have to try hard with everything that I still can't put as what define me.
I am the one who is not easily excitable, emotionless.

Vow to be the Lovely Sun

Last Muharram, I made a vow,

To not be the swelling cloudy rain that people fear will drench them.

I wanted to be the fiery wheel in the sky splashing molten-gold beams of light through the saffron leaves. 

Many have said, I have always been the scorching sun in hot climate countries driving out the energy. A rather scary character firing people. Apology I ask from people who have felt only sweltering effects emanating from me.

#ifyouunderstandwhatimean

Rejections and Dejections; Placement Life

Have you ever felt dejected? I have. Repeatedly having it since the past 8 weeks.

Standing next to the patients' bed with the smartest men and not being acknowledged at all.
I have had the days where I did not have the slightest courage to even ask "What is going on with the patient?".

I have been made to feel like I am useless, only in people's way. That, my friends, the worst ever thing that you could make anyone feel.

I have had days where I had to hold tears, with flushed face, shaking just because of rejections.
What I meant by rejections is me coming up to the clinicians, " Hi, do you have anything that I can help you with? I am doing........." after having myself introduced.
I had met " No, sorry" as a reply repeatedly, be it either from a smiling face trying to be empathetic or from stern-do-not-disturb-me-look.

And I am still learning to keep doing the same thing, telling myself I will only come out of this stronger. Question is, will I ever come out of this? Is that what I really want? No, rejections will be part of my life as I will always need to look out for people or learning opportunities and not all the time they will accept me or the world will go round and let me have it. So, I just have to never give up.

I have to be stronger and take everything as it is and keep searching for other better things waiting for me. Wait, are they really waiting for me? Probably not, I just have to search and grab them right away. That is what I have come to understand. This is life.

I have made myself to promise to always try be a good teacher all the time, but that doesn't mean I can't say no at all, I just have to be nice and understanding.